my name is judas
by Emmel1118
Summary: 'She frowned. She hadn't a clue what was going on, but a heartbeat later she did, when Raff's fist had connected with Robbie's cheek.' - a confrontation leads to further questions. A sequel of sorts to the truth is heavier than fiction.


_my name is judas,_  
 _and my hands are tied  
_ **Noah, Amber Run**

 _'It was a long time ago now. And it was yesterday.'_  
 **Kate Atkinson** , **Life After Life**

* * *

They were in the land rover. Robbie was in the passenger seat, fiddling with the radio and she wanted to tell him to stop, he was distracting her, but she just turned her gaze back to the road and concentrated on driving. Was this what marriage was? Getting irritated at each other on the A61 over the radio, and having dinner with her dad and Celia and Caroline at Caroline's plush, posh home? She didn't know, because with Eddie, marriage had been none of those things. Marriage to Eddie had been hell. So maybe this was what it was, what it was meant to be all those years ago when she'd said those vows in the dank Registry Office in Halifax with just the two of them - his parents hadn't known about it as far as she'd known, and hers had politely declined. They hadn't liked Eddie. Maybe she should have listened to them.

She swung the steering wheel, as Robbie finally sat back in his seat. Some crappy pop music was thumping out of the speakers now, but she didn't have the energy to tell him to switch it off, or to turn it down herself. She glanced in the rear-view mirror. She could see the headlights from the Lexus behind them, following where she led.

'That were a nice evening, eh, Gillian?'

She leant forward, negotiating a particularly difficult box junction. 'Yeah. I guess.'

Robbie regarded her, thoughtfully, and she tensed, expecting him to mutter a complaint about how she didn't sound completely enthused, but she should have given him some credit - he did know her after all - and he didn't say a thing.

'Why's Caroline coming again?' Gillian asked, as they rolled to a stop at some traffic lights. She propped herself on the steering wheel and turned to look at him.

'Not sure. I think Alan invited her to stay the weekend. To get away, I think he said.'

Gillian muttered something inaudible under her breath. It was her home - why did people keep taking it upon themselves to make plans and organise things without asking her? She didn't particularly mind her dad and Celia, she liked seeing them, but Caroline? Why had no one sought her opinion? She made a note to herself not to get annoyed at Robbie. He was just the messenger.

'Light's changed,' he said, nodding.

'Shit,' she mumbled, flapping with the gear-stick, the car lurching forward suddenly. She heard Robbie chuckling beside her.

'You always were a crap driver,' he said, folding his arms.

'And who taught me?' she said, glancing at him in the mirror, and despite her faux-anger, she felt a smile creep onto her face.

'Yeah, well. I taught you everything you needed to know, didn't I?' he said, smiling too.

'Just not necessarily in the right order. You _do_ remember the time I crashed into that wall down Sowerby Bridge, when you said to-'

'Alright, Gillian - I admit my technique could do with some work.'

'Technique,' she said, howling with laughter. 'You didn't have a bloody technique!'

Robbie stumbled for a reply, but couldn't find one, giving up and shrugging.

'So there,' she said, triumphantly. 'who's the crap driver now?'

She pulled on to the track down the farm, checking once again for the Lexus. Not that she didn't think they knew the way - they could probably both do the journey with their eyes closed - it was just she got worried. About them.

She swung the land rover to a stop, still shaking her head and smiling at her conversation with Robbie. She could see a light on in the kitchen and frowned, wondering who was in her home. Just as she began to worry, and she'd shared an uneasy look with Robbie, the front door opened and Raff emerged. She didn't know why he was here and not at the flat in Leeds. That was his home now, which had taken some getting used to. He'd probably come to drop off some washing off, he liked doing that, it took some of the responsibility away, though that didn't answer the question as to why he was here so late.

She climbed out of the land rover just as the Lexus, followed promptly by Caroline's jeep, pulled up next to them. Clutching the car keys, she wandered towards the house. She was about to call out, ask Raff why he was here, when he started off from the front door, running, towards them.

She frowned. She hadn't a clue what was going on, but a heartbeat later she did, when Raff's fist had connected with Robbie's cheek.

'You bloody fucker,' Raff spat as he punched again. 'Fuck off, you fucking bastard!' Again and again, punches raining down, and Gillian tried her best to grab Raff's flailing arms. Robbie wasn't striking out, just raising his arms in self-defence, as confused as she was.

'Raff, lad, what's-' Robbie started, but another blow silenced him, and they tumbled to the floor, in a flurry of punches.

Behind her, she heard car doors open and slam shut.

'Raff, bloody hell, Raff, let up,' she said, finally managing to get a hold on his arm and dragging him up and backwards, away from a prone Robbie.

'What on earth?' she heard her dad say, somewhere in the dark.

'Raff,' she said, pulling him so that they were facing each other, but he remained tense, wrenching away from her to face Robbie again, who'd managed to right himself by now.

'That bloody-'

'Raff, language!'

'He's going. And never coming back. I won't let you near her, you hear me, eh?' She wrapped an arm around her son as he started for Robbie again. 'He knew, mum,' Raff suddenly said, turning to her, before sharply rounding on Robbie. 'You bloody knew that me dad liked to lay into her and what did you do? Nothing. You fucking coward. You're just as bad as him.'

Gillian closed her eyes, hoped what she was hearing wasn't what it actually was, hoped she was mishearing.

A blur, a wisp of a figure, and then Caroline was there, a hand on Raff's shoulder. 'Come on, Raff. Let's go inside.' It was a voice Gillian guessed she often used at school, firm but fair. Raff seemed to deflate and allowed himself to be led by Caroline towards the house. Gillian watched mute, unable to frame any words, unable to look at anyone else.

As Caroline got to the door and fumbled Raff inside, she turned back and they shared a look. 'I'm sorry,' she mouthed, and Gillian realised who had told Raff. It hadn't been her, it hadn't been Robbie. It was Caroline.

She turned around and took in Robbie's bruised and battered face, the way he was holding his side that told he was probably carrying a broken rib or two. She knew the signs. Sighing, she went over and looped an arm around him and together they began to hobble back to the house. As they did so, she heard her dad and Celia talking in quiet voices to each other.

She lugged Robbie up to the house, and was relieved when she saw neither Caroline nor Raff downstairs. She propped Robbie up by the sink, picking up a damp cloth and wiping away some of the congealed blood from his face. But she couldn't look at him, not now.

'Thank you,' he said, genuinely.

'Just because I'm helping you doesn't mean I don't think it too,' she snapped, her voice low. She took the cloth away from his face, kicking her feet against the tiles, staring downwards. 'God knows I know violence isn't the answer, but, bloody hell, Robbie, you can't blame him for losing it,' she hissed.

They stood in awkward silence, each unable to regard the other, ill at ease, until she flinched away, towards the stairs.

'Caroline?' she called, hearing tell-tale thump of feet upstairs.

She folded her arms as Caroline appeared.

'Raff's upstairs. Cooling off,' she said, softly.

'You told him,' Gillian said, grimacing, rubbing a hand on her neck, finding this uncomfortable. 'About Robbie knowing. Didn't you?'

'Sorry,' she said, coming down the last few stairs so they were face-to-face. 'I'm so sorry. I thought he knew- I thought you'd told him. I mentioned it, off-hand. I didn't think. I'm sorry.'

'Yeah, well,' Gillian said, shortly. 'Now,' she started, before she heard the footsteps of people who could only be their parents by the front door, so she lowered her voice before continuing. 'Robbie's in the kitchen with a bloody face and broken ribs, and Raff's a mess and _hates_ him.' She shook her head. 'Good one, Caroline.'

She looked down at her feet as the front door opened.

'Gillian?' her dad said, pushing the door too and coming in. 'Gillian love?'

'And now _he_ knows,' she said, despondent. 'He were never supposed to know.'

'Gillian, I'm sorry-'

'Save it.' She left Caroline behind, marching back to the kitchen as Celia and her dad slumped at the table.

'Gillian, love, what's this about Eddie laying into you?'

She gave Robbie a dirty glare.

She pulled a chair away from the table. It screeched horribly against the tiles.

Her dad's quiet bewilderment was painful for her to see.

'Eddie didn't hit you, did he? I would've known. You would have told me.' A pause. She looked down at her hands. 'You would have told me,' he asserted, gently, but firmly, punctuated with a sharp nod. It hurt her to have to tell him he was wrong.

'Dad, the thing is- what happened was...' She thought it had been hard telling Raff, but her dad? That was ten times the challenge. 'I didn't.'

A handful of syllables. Two words. And she saw the effect it had on him, even just the two words. His face crumpled, his eyes creased, he looked utterly lost.

'I didn't tell you,' she said, her voice quiet. 'I didn't tell you that Eddie, he... used to knock me about.' She managed to choke the words out, each one painful in her throat, each one a knife to her chest.

'And he knew?' her dad said, suddenly spluttering with anger. He stood up, his chair flying backwards. _'He_ _knew?'_

She could have lied, but she didn't have the energy, especially when Caroline had already told Raff the truth.

'Yeah. He knew. Now everyone knows. Alright?'

'No, it's not bloody alright. Raff was right to- I-' Her dad raised his fists and for a wild second, Gillian was afraid Raff wasn't going to be the only person she would have to drag off Robbie today. But then her dad seemed to curl up, into himself, and he abruptly sat back down.

She closed her eyes.

'Celia, Robbie? Could you give me and me dad some space, please?' Celia got up immediately, squeezing her dad's hand before wandering in the living room, where she heard her meet Caroline and say, 'Oh, there you are love,' sounding slightly befuddled by the turn in events.

Robbie, on the other hand, took longer. He limped slowly from the room, her dad glaring at him. He went to reach out, to put a hand on her shoulder, but she shook her head, only slightly, but he knew what she meant, and he left then, without a word. She heard Celia, in the living room, say 'Oh, _you_ ,' with more distaste than Gillian thought two words could have and nearly chuckled.

It reminded her of being in the land rover, earlier, when they'd been laughing and joking, just like when they were kids. She frowned, darkly.

'Why didn't you tell me, love?' her dad said, and she knew he was having trouble getting his head round it. 'Did your mother know? Did you tell her, at least?'

She wanted to say yes, but she shook her head instead.

'Mum didn't know.'

She looked up, and they met gazes.

Her dad reached across a hand, and put it on top of hers, giving her a weak smile.

'Well, I'm here now, love. I'm sorry I wasn't then.'

'It wasn't your fault. Eddie was a mad bastard.'

'I think I understand now,' he said, and she frowned. 'Why you, you know...' He made a gesture with his head, but she didn't get it. 'In the barn, after the log-splitter.'

She nodded slowly.

'I think I understand.'

...

Raff was still upstairs. Caroline was somewhere, she didn't know where. Her dad and Celia were in bed.

She left the kitchen and saw Robbie on the sofa. His face was nearly blue in the half-light and she sighed. He was staring, intently, ahead.

'Should I get my stuff?' he said, suddenly.

'What?'

'I'll go stay with Jack from work for now. I'm sure I'll be able to get on my feet in no time.'

'What?'

She noticed, then, that he was no longer wearing his wedding ring. It was sat on the table, glinting.

'Stop being a pillock and come to bed, Robbie,' she said. 'I'm sick to the back teeth of arguments.' He turned so that he was looking at her, and she suddenly saw the ghost of boy he once was in his face. The years had done much to the both of them, but he was still there, the boy she fell in love with that summer, the summer she was fifteen, when he'd taught her to drive, when they'd messed about, going to the flicks, drinking cheap lager, having fun.

She knew how things ended, but right then, right there, she didn't really care.

'I've forgiven you, Robbie. It's in the past. What's done is done and all that shit. It's Raff you need to convince. But you can do that tomorrow.'

He looked at her. She thought maybe he'd been crying.

'Thank you.'

...


End file.
